June 6, 2021

In Times Of Reflection

Hello again. Today I wanted to share a short blog piece I wrote four years ago. I have never posted it for a plethora of different reasons. I am now in a season of reflection, and I feel it is to be shared,

“My Discipleship Training School was restorative and life changing. During this time, I was challenged to look upward toward the Lord, but also inward, to the very heart of who I am. But there was one question that really hit me. Is God really good?

One Sunday during my outreach, our translator and friend brought us to a house of a dying boy. After multiple surgeries, the doctors said there was nothing left to do for this little boy. As a last resort, the boy’s mother asked the team to come and pray for him.  As we started to pray for the little boy, our hearts broke for him. It was as if God dropped His love for this boy right into us. The boy was not healed right away, one of the girls heard that we were to come and pray for seven days, the number of completion. So we did, we came and prayed, declared, worshipped, and read scripture over him as we cried out for healing.

On the fourth day of our prayers, the little boy died. It was as if our team was hit by a train. We have authority to heal and set free just like Jesus and the disciples, so why wasn’t this little boy healed? After searching my heart, I knew there was nothing we could have done differently and that we were all fully obedient in this. So the question arose in my heart.

Is God really good?

I wrestled with trusting God and believing His Character. I knew it to be true in my mind, but I couldn’t believe it amidst the grief I was feeling. Then God showed me His heart for this situation. His grief was worse than anything I could imagine. Not only in this situation did God’s heart break, but for every moment like this throughout the ages. Who was I to base God’s goodness off of the standards of the world? Death was not something God wished upon this little boy. But sometimes the consequences of free choice and sin in the world affect the innocent.

To this day, I don’t fully understand why that little boy died. But it taught me to trust God even when I don’t understand Him or the situation. If my trust is based on things I can understand or comprehend with my mind, then it wouldn’t be faith. Through this tragedy, I know God is good all the time, despite any circumstances. God is there in the middle of our grief with His heart breaking along with our own hearts. Even as I type this, I am reminded that God can handle any situation or feelings we are going through. He is always trustworthy, even during the harsh realities of our lives.”  

I remember this experience being the hardest part of my Discipleship Training School. How do we reconcile the unknowns and tragedies of life to the goodness of God? 

It has been four years since this memory, and it still hits hard to think about it. I remember waking up that morning in the little village where we stayed. It was another beautiful sunny day, and I was filled with hope. Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew there was a good chance that the boy would die, but I believed God would heal. 

That morning was like every other wonderful morning. And then we heard it… the mourning music that is often played in the villages after the death of a loved one. In the midst of this tiny Cambodian village, I hoped to God that what I was hearing wasn’t right. Our whole team started the slow walk to confirm what we already knew as dread sank into our stomachs. As we arrived at the house, all it took was one look at the mother’s face to confirm our worst fears. 

People die every day, but to be faced with that reality in the midst of our prayers and faith was shocking to every fiber of my being. We had a plan from God, and it didn’t end they way we thought it would. To this day, I think of that family. How their lives are changed from the loss of a beloved son.

Why am I sharing this now? To be honest I am not quite sure. But when I am in seasons of reflection, I often find myself being drawn back to the difficulties and challenges that have been experienced. As quickly as we like to gloss over the pain and suffering, it’s those moments that define and shape us. 

I know the affect of this little boys death on my life is nothing compared to the affect it had on his family. But it changed and shaped me. I learned how to hold onto the Lord in the midst of failure and loss. I know that God is good and perfect, but I wonder if there could have been a different outcome? It convicts me to go deeper in my relationship with God and to carry His anointing in the realm of healing. 

Something that I understand now, better than I did then, is that it is always God’s will to heal. I don’t fully understand the correlation between anointing, presence, and faith that brings healing. But I do know the more people I pray for to get healed, the more healings I will see. That is what keeps me going in such situations. I know there will be other times of loss and failure, but I head towards the goal of never having to see a another scared little boy die in pain. 

That is why reflection is important. Don’t gloss over the painful moments and sufferings in life. Let them move you to change and growth. Let them spur you on towards a higher goal. Often the places where we experience the greatest pain and setbacks, will be our greatest areas of authority and breakthrough if we steward our failures and losses well. 

I guess my main point in sharing this is to say this. Don’t discount the hard times in your life by just getting through it. Take the time with the Lord to let it fortify you. Heal, breathe, and repeat. I would have given everything in the world to see that little boy healed. Even though he wasn’t, he sparked something in me that will lead to hundreds of others getting healed and touched by God if I let it. Don’t waste the suffering and pain, see it lead to victory in the kingdom. 

From me to you,

-Emily Jacobsen 

Comments

1 thought on “In Times Of Reflection

  1. Hi Emily

    I know how you feel about death and grief. I saw my father die in front of me calling for my Mom who wouldn’t go to my father.
    Over time I have come to the conclusion that when we pray for healing there are two kinds:

    1. To be healed to continue living in this imperfect world and be a testimony of God’s love, grace and mercy.

    Or

    2. To go to be in God’s presence. And there is fullness of joy. Ps 16:11. For a believer. Dying is actually coming into God’s presence where there is fullness of joy.
    I came to see what it meant to be in God’s presence. The Bible paints incredible pictures of it in Scripture

    I too believe God is good.

    Keep sharing. Love to hear your thoughts.

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