February 12, 2021

Pain is in the Past, Right?

Time heals all wounds. Or does it? 

Culture is so steeped in this concept. With the passing of time pain fades and heals. You forgive, forget, and move on. But where does all the pain go? Does it evaporate into thin air? 

We live these lives taught to move on and be happy. “Don’t let the past define you!” Sometimes forgetting and moving on, ensnares you in the very thing that you are supposed to be getting free from. The idea of “Stay Positive!” and “Be Happy!” has raped society of the chance to actually feel and heal.

God gave us emotions. That means all the emotions that are put under the negative connotation banner are from God too. Why so often are those emotions swept under the rug? We can’t be fearful, we cant be angry, don’t even think about showing sadness.

I’ll get off my soapbox now. I am saying all this because I am in the midst of leaning how to actually feel and let myself grieve. In the past two weeks, I have had some old emotions come up that I thought I had dealt with. Turns out, I had shoved them to a dark place inside me when I decided to pick up and move on with my life. So here I am, a year and a half later, with a box of emotions bursting at the seams. The pain is just as ripe as when I shoved it down, and tied a bow around it calling the pain obsolete.

Time does not heal wounds… Although time has passed, I have been broken and bleeding inside. The funny thing is, I didn’t even know it until the pain was triggered for me a couple of weeks ago. Helloooo wounded heart!

I think we ignore the pain because that can be easier. In the end, it will always come up again. If left long enough, it can rot us from the inside out, and all emotions turn gray. In essence, no sadness equals no happiness. 

I have been letting myself feel the pain this time around. Many nights have been spent in tears and moaning over the great chasm I feel inside. I have determined to no longer shove it down. Every day I am making the decision to let myself grieve, even if I find my own emotions ridiculous. 

The beautiful thing is that God is meeting me in the midst of it. I don’t wallow in self pity the whole time. It is a process of handing each spent emotion back over to Him. I have internally felt like God is wringing out my heart until my feelings run pure. It’s exhausting and time consuming. But at the end of the road there is healing and wholeness. I feel the depth of the pain, and it increases my capacity to feel joy and happiness. 

Don’t rob yourself of the chance to feel. Take the time you need to process your emotions and to grieve with the Lord. When it gets hard for me, I always ask this question. Would I rather be a hollow person, who is only a shade of her true self, or would I rather be a vibrant, full person who lives in the every moment of life? 

Stop surviving and start living. 

From me to you,

-Emily Jacobsen 

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