August 7, 2020

The Last Goodbye

I feel the pain, will my heart stop beating? Sometimes it feels that way. 

Goodbyes, why do they have to be a fundamental part of life? Every trip that I have come back from, every transition I have experienced, has left me with a goodbye on my tongue. I wish for nothing more than to spit it out. 

Every missions trip has ended in tears for me. I grow attached and I long for those people and places.

It has been over three years since I have left Cambodia… My heart feels physical pain every time I remember the friends and family I left behind, so far away from me. I long to be with them again. To see their faces and hear their voices in person once again. I wish the ache would subside, but it is still there.

I don’t always understand the pain. “Is everybody like this?” I feel so deeply and love to the point that I am undone. “Do I get carried away? Is there another way to live?” You see, I am forever changed by those people and places. They will always be a part of me.

I don’t like goodbyes, they seem useless. For every new relationship I have, there are at least one hundred more in my future. Which means another one hundred goodbyes too. This causes me slightest hesitation from time to time. “Is it worth it? Can I withstand the pain?” My only consolation at times like these, is knowing that I wont have to pick and chose who to be with when I am in heaven. Oh, but the pain in this moment of goodbye. 

I usually try to save the tears until I have the time to cry well. I don’t like to simplify the depth of emotion in me. But it leaves me wondering… Is my well deep enough to handle this for the rest of my life? I know I am called to travel and love wherever I go. So how will I handle the never ending pain of leaving loved ones behind? I hope it gets easier, but I highly doubt it will. I guess it is worth the sacrifice, better to have loved well than to have no love at all.

I wish I could say that this is my last goodbye, but I know there will be many more in the future. I just pray that God gives me the heart to bear it.

Many of you reading this know exactly how I feel. Some of you might even be the people I am longing to hold onto. I wish our goodbyes never had to come. But they will, at least for a while. Know that I will always have you in my heart and I pray for you. Maybe a day will come when we will meet again. 

From me to you,

-Emily Jacobsen 

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